thoughts on motherhood...from one who knows nothing about it :)

Yes...it's official...I am going to be a mommy, and my very amazing husband is going to be the world's best dad (not that I'm biased or anything...:).  We had our first doctor's appointment yesterday, complete with blood work, other "samples", and a real sonogram (I showed the picture off all day at work...Kade showed his off all day yesterday...:).
I wish that I could honestly tell you that my heart has known nothing but joy about realizing I'm pregnant, becoming a mom, and everything else.  I really wish I could, but I can't.  If I did, I would be lying.  Don't get me wrong, I'm excited--unbelievably so--but believe me when I say that excitement has been a process.
Anyone who has known me for any period of time has known my thoughts on having children--the very thought of having a baby terrified me to no end.  It wasn't in my plans.  It wasn't that I thought something was wrong with having children, I just didn't think it was for me.  And then I got married....:)
I love so many things about Kade...his sheer joy for the Lord and life...the way he works and studies and does everything with such fervor.  He teaches me so much every day about what it means to truly follow the Lord and rest in who He is.  But one thing he had a hard time getting me to share was his love for children.  Anyone who has known Kade for any period of time has known that he loves children.  He rejoices in them...he thinks they're perfect...for so long he has yearned for his own.  (Not exactly my attitude, right??)  In marrying him, I realized that there was going to come a day where I was going to have children...while it wasn't exactly my plan, I was ok with it, because I knew it would be down the road.
We pretend so much that we actually have control of our lives.  It's almost comical.  Who am I to think that I actually have a right to tell God when and how He should put life inside of me?  How DARE I is the even greater question.  And yet, those were my very thoughts:  I was the one who determined my future, who decided when I had a baby...do you hear the selfishness in all of that??
And then, life happened.  The process has been a slow one to say the least.  But slowly and surely, the Lord has begun to teach me that my life is not my own.  Ephesians 1:4 says that the Lord, "chose us in Him before the foundation of the world." Do you hear the sovereignty in those words:  He is the one who chooses--not us.  Not only is He the one who has chosen, but it says that He did it before the very world was founded.  Oh Lord, forgive my arrogance--that I would even think the choice is mine for something like this goes completely in the face of who You are.
At first, absolute surrender to the Lord seems like such a terrifying thing.  And I have to be honest, there are probably always going to be moments where we are tempted to fear while following Him.  But in reality, resting in His sovereignty, rather than trying to keep a vice-grip on my life is such a comforting thing.  If I truly believe that He is God, totally and completely above and beyond everything, why wouldn't I want to rest my life in His capable hands?
And so, I come back to my thoughts on motherhood.  I won't lie...the thought of it still terrifies me...I mean, what am I going to do when my baby starts crying and I don't know why?  Or when he/she gets sick?  Or when they hurt and I can't fix it? 
Actually, I know the answer.  I'm going to have to do what I'm learning right now...to cling with all I am to my sovereign Lord, whose ways are so far beyond my own.  Today, I choose to trust in Him and delight with sheer joy at the gift He has given me, and in the fact that He has even chosen to grace me with such a treasure.
I pray that, whatever your circumstances, you might be able to do the same.  May you have no doubt that life in Him is more worthy than anything else.