Selah Christmas

Big Red Bow Christmas

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...new site...:)

I don't know why, but writing is a passion for me.  It's a good day when I actually have time to write a blog.  Something about being able to connect something the Lord has taught me for someone else brings me such joy...I don't know what it is, but I love it.  Anyway...I have a really supportive husband...one who actually thinks I'm good at this, enough to help get a website created for me...So, if you're interested...here's the new link :)

Blessings!

www.laceywilcox.com

attack of the milk monster

I swear my house has monsters...well, maybe not monsters, but for sure a monster...a scary little monster :).
It's the milk monster.  I'm pretty sure it's a girl.  She comes around our house like clockwork, every two or three hours (but sometimes she's vicious and comes even sooner...)  She's small, and usually smells sweet and soft...although sometimes she has a foul odor that I can't quite place.  For some reason, she never bothers with Kade.  I don't know if she's not interested in him, or if she just likes me better, but she only really comes after me.  She comes, takes her greedy little fill, and then she's gone.  Sometimes, she's not here for very long...but other times, she's there for what feels like forever.  As soon as she's done, she's transformed into the cutest little bundle...sleepy and full, with eyes rolling backwards and a head that keeps wanting to flop forward.  Sometimes, she opens her eyes (for just a second), revealing the most amazingly beautiful baby blues I have ever seen.  And almost always, when she's done, she opens her mouth wide and lets out the biggest yawn...sometimes two or three.
Even though she attacks often, I've fallen in love with this little milk monster.  I just can't help myself.  She's vicious at times, but she's grown on me so much...I often find myself just looking at her, living her chubby little cheeks, touching her sweet fingers, and even kissing her perfect little round nose.  I've even found myself enjoying her "attacks,"enjoying getting to be close to her (as long as she's not in monster mode...:).
In fact, I've found that she's teaching me, molding me me, breaking me.  She teaches me what it means to not be selfish, she makes me forget myself, she teaches me how to rely completely upon the Lord's grace and strength instead of my own.  In fact...I rejoice in my little milk monster...I'm even trying to get her tame so I can keep her...:)

...to the end of myself...

Having a newborn just teaches you alot.  I highly recommend it for almost everyone, at some point in their life, even if it's just watching someone else's for a few hours.  I couldn't even begin to list all the lessons the Lord has used Selah to teach me.
Lessons like what it means to truly surrender my life to His sovereignty and His purpose.  I loved the idea of thinking that my life and my time were mine.  And then He gave me my sweet baby girl.  Overnight, things changed...alot.  All of a sudden I was spending the majority of my day nursing, changing diapers, and trying to figure out how to be a mommy.  There have been (and I know there will be...) many times where I have thought, "I can't do this right now," countless times where I had missed the freedom I once thought I had, moments where I felt completely drug to the end of myself, unable to go much further.
Those moments have turned out to be the most glorious thing that could have happened to me.  It's in being brought to the end of me that I have realized the Lord wants to me exactly that:  that I am finite, limited...I have an end.  Those times have brought me running to Him faster than anything else, coming completely face to face with the fact that He alone is my strength, my portion, my hope, my sustenance.  I can't believe that I can eventually get all of this right on my own, or that I'll eventually have it down pat.  Instead, I have to cling to the very God who is the way, the truth, and the life for me.  And in each of those moments, I am more fully aware of the very grace that has made it all possible:  grace straight from the Cross and my precious Savior, grace that reminds me I don't have to get it right to come to Him...I just have to come.
And realizing that has given me an even greater freedom.  When I realized what it means to completely and fully rely on Him, I became even more aware of what it means to freely offer myself in worship to Him.  You see, I was guilty of claiming my time and my life as my own.  The truth is, however, that even my very seconds and minutes belong to Him.  And so, I will offer them up to Him as a glorious sacrifice, realizing that doing so is a sweet act of worship to His holy name.
These words from David sum it up so well:
"Blessed are you, O Lord, the God of Israel our father, forever and ever.  Yours, O Lord is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty, for all that is in the heavens and in the earth is yours.  Yours is the kingdom, O Lord, and you are exalted as head above all.  Both riches and honor come from you, and you rule over all.  In your hand are power and might, and in your hand it is to make great and give strength to all.  And now we thank you, our God, and praise your glorious name."  (1 Chronicles 29: 10-13)
And so today, may you find yourself completely brought to the end of yourself, realizing that you do have an end.  May that truth drive you to depend on the One who knows no end, who holds our lives and purposes in His completely capable hands.  May realizing this make you so incredibly grateful for grace that has set us free, free to offer our lives back to Him, knowing always that they are His.  May you realize and do all of that in a spirit of such thankfulness and worship, striving always for the glory His name deserves.  And may that all bring such joy, joy greater than you have ever known.

just breathe...

My precious daughter has already developed some very unique habits.  One of them is seeing if she can manage to soak herself and the changing table while I am changing her diaper (and then sometimes she decides to use other methods than "soaking...").  Another is making the weirdest (but cutest) little grunting noses, all the time, whether she's hungry, eating, or sleeping.

Some of her habits, however, aren't so cute.  Some of them are hard and frustrating.  Like the fact that she pretty much takes an hour to nurse (we've nicknamed her the Marathon Eater...:) ).  My husband swore up and down it was payback for me being such a slow eater, but that earned him a dirty look, so he hasn't said that in awhile.  Another one of these frustrating habits is that she always decides she wants to suck on her hands...right when it's time to nurse.  Then she gets really mad at me because she's not getting any milk (lol, go figure...we'll get it straight soon enough).  Probably the habit of hers, though, that is the hardest for me, is that there are times when she gets herself worked up so much that she can't stop crying, alot of times for no obvious reason.  I know she's not the only baby that has this habit (in fact, I think it's a habit that just comes with the territory of newborns), but it is definitely the hardest one to watch.  

When she has one of those moments, it kills me.  It's all I can do to watch her, growing more and more frustrated and upset.  Regardless of what I do to try and reassure her, to stabilize her, to let her know I'm here and it's going to be ok, she refuses to be calmed down.  With all I am, I just want to be able to tell her, "just breathe, baby girl...it's going to be ok...trust me."  

Eventually, we weather the storm, and life returns to normal.  But these moments have given me such a vivid image of my state before the Lord.  How many times am I like my precious daughter, crying against Him without understanding, without trust in Him.  I feel guilty even as I look back at the past two weeks.  Over and over since we brought my precious baby girl, I have stressed everything:  did I feed her long enough, am I feeding her too often, did she get enough to eat, should I try and keep her awake right now, should she be sleeping, is it ok to pick her up or does she need to cry this one out, is she going to be ok?  The list is exhausting, and overwhelming.  

My guess is the Lord looks at me, and I probably seem just like my sweet baby.  He probably hears all my worries, and to His ears, they sound just like Selah's cries.  I often wonder if He doesn't look at me and think, "just breathe, baby girl...it's going to be ok...just trust me."

I try to read from the Psalms everyday...they offer encouragement and hope that is so real and relevant, often paralleling the things we ourselves feel.  Today found me in Psalm 53, which starts off with, "The fool says in his heart,"There is no God." They are corrupt, doing abominable iniquity; there is none who does good.  God looks down from heaven on the children of man to see if there are any who understand, who seek after God."  At first I wanted to completely disregard those words...I mean, I believe in God--that must mean I'm not a fool, right??  But as I continued reading them, I was struck by something I had not before thought about:  verse two says the Lord is searching for any who understand, who seek Him...they are the ones who are not fools.

My constant cries, worries, and stresses before Him are the actions of a fool.  I'm not saying it's wrong to cry out to Him, but I am saying my continual stress and unwillingness to rest in His presence is the mark of a fool.  Instead, I want my identity to be centered in the last part of the verse:  I want to be counted among those who "seek after God."  In all things, I want to strive for Him, I want to acknowledge Him, I want to recognize His never-ending presence, provision, and sovereignty over my circumstances.

Though I love my baby girl dearly, I do not want to share in her habit.  I do not want to find myself crying out for no reason, anxious in all things without having sought out the Rock that is my precious Savior.  Instead, as I run to Him and seek Him, I will rest in the steadfast faithfulness and glory of who He is, knowing always that His plans result in the continual praise of His name, and my eventual good.  And with all I am, I will strive to listen when He says, "just breathe baby girl...it's going to be ok...trust me."

...now is not forever...

It's so easy to get caught up in the moment.  Far too quickly, we find ourselves consumed with the here and now, focused only on what is for today.  Think about how easily we do this.  Maybe you've just started a job, and right now it's new, hard, and frustrating.  It's so easy to grow discouraged and wonder if it will ever get any better, or if you will feel like a failure the rest of your career (and at times you might even wonder if you'll have a career...)  Maybe you find yourself in a relationship in which love does not come easily (something that happens in all relationships, not just boy/girl ones...), and it's so tempted to wonder if it things will always be like this, if there's any point in trying to work it out, or if it would be better for you to just get out of it altogether.  Maybe you've just moved to a new place, and find yourself lonely and overwhelmed, thinking you'll never find your niche, your comfortable place.  It's tempting to want to pack up and leave, running back to all you've ever known.
For me, it's to easy to find myself caught up in the moment when my precious baby girl is crying for what feels like the hundredth time in two hours, and I don't really know how to help her.  It's easy to doubt, to question, to dread, and to grow discouraged...feeling like it will be this way forever.
These words from my mother-in-law have been a lifesaver.  I've thought many times about writing them in permanent marker on my daughter's forehead, so that I can't forget them:  "Now is not forever."  Today, right here, right now...is but for a moment.  This time, no matter how hard, how frustrating, or how painful, has a beginning...and an end.  Today will pass, and tomorrow will be here.  And, there will come a day that is not today, one in which the difficulty of here and now will be gone.
So then, what are we to do while we are in today?  While all of that sounds well and good, it does not change the fact that hard circumstances are still...well, hard.  They're still discouraging, and frustrating, and painful.
I think the answer to remind ourselves of whose we are.  In the Psalms, David says, "But I call to God, and the Lord will save me.  Evening and morning and at noon I utter my complaint and moan, and he hears my voice.  He redeems my soul in safety from the battle that I wage...Cast your burden on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never permit the righteous to be moved."  (Psalm 55:17-18, 22)
Now is not forever.  And with that truth in mind, I will choose instead to cling to what I know will last:  a God who is above and beyond time, a God for whom forever is all He has ever known.  Rather than growing discouraged that today is hard and no fun, I will choose to relish the fact that He always is, and He is always good.  And clinging to that truth, I will reach a time that is not now, and a day that is not today.  May you do the same.

...i want my mommy...

I got a good lesson in what it means to be a mommy this past week.  Who better to teach it to me than my own mom.  I don't know anyone who could deny that she is beyond amazing.  From Sunday to Wednesday night, she was here.
And she wasn't just here.  I mean, she was really here.  As soon as she walked in she was unloading the lunch she had made us.  About thirty minutes later she was cleaning like a madwoman (she even scrubbed my toilets).  For the entire time she was here, she was available...she was intentional, thoughtful.  Sometimes, it was just her presence I needed.  Sometimes, it was her helping hands (which I am still missing).  And sometimes, it was her macarroni and cheese...:)  (The boys are still so thankful Mom!)
It didn't matter what it was.  She didn't care.  She wasn't looking for the most prestigious thing she could do.  She wasn't looking for the easiest, or the most fun.  She was just looking to help.
Why?  Love.  She loves me.  She loves Kade.  She loves Selah.  And love drove her to put herself last...even though it meant she was scrubbing toilets, folding laundry, or getting woken up at all hours of the night.
Sometimes, love isn't easy.  Right now, loving my precious little baby girl has some hard times.  I'm not the first mom who has felt that way, nor am I the first person who has felt that way in loving someone else.  Sometimes, loving someone else is hard.  Yet that is exactly the call for any who would say they are a follower of Christ, the supreme example of what it means to love.
As I watched my mom serving my family and me, I was reminded of my Savior's perfect love.  Her actions perfect followed His commandment to us:  ""Anew commandment I give to you, that you love one another:  just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.  By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another."  (John 13:15-16)
So, in light of such love, I too will love.  My Savior has loved me, with love that is perfect and real.  And in every way, my mother has shown me what it means to love like that, completely out loud.  Like them, I will love, even when it's not easy.

...foundation...

I've officially entered Mommy world:  my days are governed by someone teeny-tiny, who doesn't have a whole lot of understanding if you don't meet her needs.  Without a doubt, it's one of the most overwhelming things I've ever done.  Probably the only thing that has really been the same each day has been the number of diapers I've changed and how many times I have asked myself over and over again, "Is this right?"  "Am I doing this well?"  "Is this going to hurt her?"  "Am I wrong?"  I've noticed that I walk through each day with a slight sick, nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach, constantly stressing if everything is "okay."
My guess is I'm not the only one.  Based on conversations I've had with friends, I know people dealing with new jobs, trying to find a job, cancer and other family illnesses, new houses and places to live, financial struggles, the list could go on...Maybe you're one of those people who has a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach.
Yesterday made all the difference.  I've tried to make it a point to read my Bible every day (even if it is while I'm nursing...I think the Lord's presence is there too).  The words that sank in deep for me yesterday were such a gift:  in Isaiah 28, the Lord is calling His judgment upon some of the tribes of Israel.  Though He has proven Himself faithful over and over to them, revealing His supremacy in wisdom, might, and power, they have continually chosen to stake their lives in other things.  With absolute authority, He proclaims that their efforts are not only in vain, they will lead to their desperate destruction:  "therefore thus says the Lord God, 'Behold, I am the ONE who has laid as a foundation in Zion, a stone, a tested stone, a precious cornerstone, of a sure foundation..." (verse 16).
May you find as much hope as I did in those words.  May they be what you sink your teeth into in every moment of the day:  good, bad, confusing, hopeless, overwhelming...anything.  You see, when He is my foundation, my cornerstone, my rock, my circumstances can be whatever they are.  It doesn't make them easier, but it does make it possible to go through them.
Cling to that hope, that foundation today.  May you know His grace and strength and love in all things, and may it be everything you stake your life upon.
Here's to today...

...the hiccups...

Preggos don't always sleep well.  Preggos who are at their due date really don't sleep well...:)  Too much goes on in your mind.  So, awake early, early this morning, I had some thoughts for my little girl.  Again, I thought I'd share them...she can't come soon enough...:)

I haven’t been able to sleep at all well tonight (which is why we’re up at four in the morning).  When I went to bed, I’d had some contractions.  Nothing consistent, but enough to make me wonder if tonight was going to be the night.  Anyway, as I lay there awake, I felt the tiniest sensation inside of me (ok, tiniest may not be the right word…you’ve pretty much outgrown your home, so they actually feel pretty big).  It was rhythmic and consistent, but not as strong as your kicks.

            You had the hiccups…:).  It’s so incredibly cute when you do.  Every few seconds I feel this little jerk, and sometimes, they make you mad:  I’ll feel the little jerks in sequence, and then you’ll throw in some extra jabs, like you think you’ll be able to make them stop if you kick hard enough.

            With tears in my eyes, I just held my hands on my tummy.  I just couldn’t get enough.  You see, love, it hit me that this very well could be the last time I ever get to feel you have the hiccups.  As anxious, nervous, excited, and joyful as I am for you to be born, I praise the Lord He allowed me to stop and feel them one last time.

            Baby Girl, you can’t come fast enough.  But though I am so ready, I’ll hold onto you for as long as I get you.  You have no idea how much I love you.

            Father, be with my baby girl today.  Continue to keep her safe and strong and warm inside of me.  Let me treasure these last few times with her, and begin to prepare us both now for the joyous relationship we are about to know.  Sanctify us through one another:  let us know love, and mercy, and grace, and let us be so quick to grant it.  Help me to be her Mommy…and help us both to be daughters who bring You glory.

            I love you, Selah Rae (and in a few years, I promise, I’ll teach you how to cure the hiccups :),

            Mommy

peace...

It's so amazing how quick we are to worry, to stress.  Without even realizing it, our tendency to do so is blatant evidence of our desire (and our attempt) to be in complete control of our lives...and the fact that we are not.  Think about it, if I completely rested in the fact that my life is in the hands of a totally sovereign God, a God whose purposes are so far beyond me, for something so much greater (Himself, and His glory)...what would I have to worry about?  I could rest in the fact that He is in control, He is working towards His purpose, His ways are good, and He will make them happen.

Sounds simple, right?  It should be...until we try to take control.  I was challenged by the words of Isaiah 26 this morning:  "You keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You."
First of all, what is peace?  Basically, dictionary.com says it's the absence of conflict, fear, and worry.  It's right relationship, complete rest.
Who are those that have peace?  Those whose minds are on the Lord--basically, those whose minds are completely centered and focused upon almighty God, and nothing else.
Why do they have peace?  Because they trust Him.  They don't have to worry about being in control, making sure things turn our right, or handling difficulties that come up.  Instead, they are able to rest in someone so much higher than all of that.

And so. today I challenge you to know peace.  It's not something dependent upon your circumstances, whether or not things are going well, or even if you can just manage to get everything done.  It's a state of the heart, an action...of simply choosing to set your mind on the One whose ways are so far above are own, and completely resting in His perfect purpose.  Today, may you be among those who are kept in perfect peace.

...dreaming...

Ok, so I promise not everything I write about it going to be about my baby girl.  But, seeing as how she is almost here, it kinda makes sense that she's on my mind quite a bit, right?  I thought about her a lot today.  I wrote some of my thoughts down to her, and thought I might share.  Here goes nothing...:)

Today I got to dream a little bit.  I was starting to go a little stir crazy in the house.  I’ve tried to keep busy by writing letters, doing some things for Sierra's classroom, cooking lunch, making calls for Daddy, reading, and anything else I can think of to do.

            I finally had to get out.  It’s been so hot lately that I hesitated, but I finally needed to see some different scenery.  So, we walked to the park.  It’s just a few blocks away.  We walked down there, sat on a bench under some trees, and I just read.  It was one of those nice slow reading days, the kind where you’re not really hurrying to get through the book.  Every couple of pages I would look around, enjoying the day and just thinking.  That’s when I would start dreaming.

            Soon, I’ll get to bring you here.  I know babies can’t get out and about right away, but I don’t plan on keeping you cooped up forever.  You need sunshine, fresh air, and outside as much as I do.  I can’t wait to take you there.  It’s not the most beautiful place on earth, but I just can’t wait to see it with you.  I can’t wait to be there, sit under those trees, and just enjoy a day…all with you. 

            In so many ways, you are going to change my life…I mean, really change my life.  But, one of the amazing things you’re going to do for me (and I don’t mean to say that selfishly), is that I am going to get to be with you.  We get to walk to the park, go to the store, see people, read books, have ice cream dates, and cook dinner…all with each other. 

            I know you’re not going to be my constant companion for life.  As you get older, you are going to make your own friends and do your own things.  But love, for a time, I get to be with you…in so many things.

            I dreamt about that today…and I rejoiced in it.  I’m completely humbled the Lord would grant me such a precious gift…one that I could never do enough to earn.  So hurry up and get here, love…we’ve got lots to do! :)

            I love you,

            Mommy

...change...

There's about to be some major changes in the Wilcox household...coming very, very soon.  We loaded up and left this morning for the big town of Panhandle, back to work at the flip house.  What's crazy is the next time I walk through my front door, it will be with my precious baby girl in my arms.
She's due on Wednesday, but if she's not here by then, we'll induce on Thursday.  So no matter what, I can officially say that my Selah Rae will be here soon.  I couldn't stop thinking about her this morning as we prepared to leave.  Walking through the nursery one last time, I touched every single thing that would soon be hers.  With tears in my eyes, I sat on the bed and just prayed...for her, for Kade, for us...to be honest my heart was so full of joy, nervousness, love, excitement, and gratitude that I don't even know that I used words, but I rejoice that the Word promises me the Spirit intercedes on my behalf...and on behalf of my precious daughter.
As I opened up my Bible for some time with my precious Jesus the morning, I could not have picked more perfect words to echo all that was in my heart.  I share them with you now, in the hopes that they might be used for yours as well:
"O Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you; I will praise your name, for you have done wonderful things, plans formed of old, faithful and sure."  (Isaiah 25:1)

Nothing could more perfectly sum up all that I feel toward the Lord in all this.  Come what may, whether my baby girl is perfect, or the absolute worst I could ever imagine happens between now and Thursday, my God is good...He is worthy of my praise, my exaltation, my absolute delight in Him.  In all ways, He has done wonderful things.  And I rejoice that always, His plans are above, beyond, and before me, and that always they are faithful and sure.

And to my baby girl, I love you.  You are my precious gift of love, life, sanctification, and redemption.  In all ways, I rejoice in you, and in the God who gave you to me.

...the source...

It seems just a little bit like a heretic to think of something hard as being from the Lord.  Most of us are quick to give Him credit for the good times...but the hard ones?  The ones that require a lot of patience, that take something from us, the ones that just really aren't that fun or that good?  Those...those can't be from Him.
Psalm 60:1-3 says, "O God, You have rejected us, broken our defenses; You have been angry; oh, restore us.  You have made the land to quake; You have torn it open; repair its breaches, for it totters.  You have made Your people to see hard things; You have given us wine to drink that made us stagger."
David leaves no wondering about it.  The rough times his nation is going through...he acknowledges as from the Lord.  In fact, he goes as far to say that the Lord has initiated them--He is the One who has brought them about.
Now, I'm not saying that every single hard thing that comes across the path of our lives is straight from the hand of the Lord.  I truly believe there are instances, like with the story of Job, where powers far beyond us  cause things.  I also believe there are times (which these verses are probably an example of) when our hard times are part of our discipline and growth from the Lord as a need for us to be disciplined in light of disobedience.  And then, there are things that He puts before us to sanctify and beautify us.
But what I am saying is that in all those things, He is supreme.  He is sovereign.  He is above all, and completely in control.  Nothing comes before us that He does not know about and that He does not rule over.  And so, while He might not be the initial source, He is the ultimate One.
Allow me to share briefly from my own heart an example.  Yesterday I had a doctor's appointment to check on my baby girl, the very baby girl who could come any day now.  Besides the normal (and somewhat awkward) checking of my uterus and cervix to see how we were progressing, we also talked about the possibility of inducing.  When I left her office, I had scheduled an appointment for Wednesday of next week, as well as one for an induction on Thursday if she had not come on her due date.
Believe me, some of the reality of her coming has started to set in for me.  While I am beyond excited, and nothing can keep me from wanting her here more than anything in the world, I won't lie that it also scares me....only slightly :).  So, the thought that (in the words of my beautiful cousin) next week, my list of activities would probably include having a baby was somewhat intimidating.
I don't consider having a baby to be a tough time...not at all.  But, I do recognize that it's not going to be an easy one (not the labor, or the coming home with another person that has never been before...).  But what I take comfort in is that all things:  good, bad, precious, hard, painful, joyous, humbling, ironic, mournful, come from my Father.  As I recognize Him as the ultimate Source, I am able to cry out with David, "Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint.  Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I!"
May those words be yours today as well.

...sitting...

I don't sit well...at all.
I can't stand to not be doing, to be going, to be part of something.  It kills me to sit and just wait, to just bide my time.  In fact, if it wasn't for a ridiculous fetish with the Food Network and the Cooking Channel, I would never even turn on my TV because I feel guilty for sitting that long without getting something done.
Now, imagine a busy-body like me, on her 39th week of pregnancy (and yes, I say that with waaaay more pride than I should...but when your daughter is the absolutely precious Selah Rae Wilcox, you've got something to be proud of :), whose husband and good friend is officially flipping a house in a town over an hour away from home--there's not a whole lot I can do to help (except take pictures, which I have done faithfully...and then realized I had forgotten the darn cord to load them on my computer).  To be honest, I have no idea how my sister-in-law has put up with me for two days already...:)
Anyway, all of that makes for a major identity crisis.  You see, I've come to realize that I tie so much of who I am in what I am able to do.  If I'm busy and productive, I find self-worth.  If I get alot done, and do it well, I consider myself one amazing woman...a woman with a purpose and a meaning.  When I don't have anything to do, I'm completely at a loss...I feel worthless.
My guess is I'm not alone in that identity crisis.  I know far too people who can't sit still any better than I can...and I have a feeling at least half of them struggle with the same equation, that my work=my worth, and if I want to be worth something, I had better get busy.  But the thing is, that math doesn't add up.  That's not the way it works with the Lord.
As I read the last few words of Psalm 60 this morning, I was convicted.  Before I quote them, let me say that I know David is not writing them because he has the same identity problems I do.  But, I do think they show some very important lessons for me to learn:  the whole Psalm is David asking for the Lord's help against his nation's enemies.  He calls out to the Lord because he recognizes he has help in no other source:  "Oh grant us help against the foe, for vain is the salvation of man!  With God we shall do valiantly; it is He who will tread down our foes."  What hit me is that David gets it:  it has nothing to do with our work, and everything to do with the Lord.
It's the same with me:  my purpose and identity has nothing to do with me...in fact, I've messed up enough times to be able to say with David that vain is the salvation of man.  Even on my busiest, most productive day, I don't have enough within me to achieve worth and purpose on my own.  But in the Lord, because of who He is and NOT because of what I have done, I find all of that.  And all of a sudden, it's not about what I do...it's about who He is.  It's about the fact that, even in my complete and utter unworthiness, He has loved me, He has poured grace upon, and He has chosen me.
And when I realize the depths of such unconditional love, grace, and delight...all that comes from Him, it's not about what I can do.  Instead, every action, word, touch...everything, is a reflection of the absolute joy I find in knowing that nothing I do will make me worthy in His eyes, and still I have His love.
All of a sudden, sitting isn't quite as hard...:)

my soul waits...

I shared this a couple of days ago with a friend, and then found it to be incredibly helpful for myself.  I love the words of Psalm 62:
"For God alone my soul waits in silence; from Him comes my salvation.  He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken...For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from Him.  He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God.  Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour our your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us...One God has spoken; twice have I heard this:  that power belongs to God, and that to you, O Lord, belongs steadfast love..."

With all I am, I want these words to be mine, for them to describe me.  David says he waits upon the Lord: he trusts in Him, rests upon Him, and puts his expectation in Him.  Not only that, he says that he waits in silence:  without worry, distraction, or fear.  Sure, I'm quick to say I trust the Lord, that I'm resting in Him...but how much of my waiting is filled with fear...nervousness?  If I'm really trusting in the Lord, completely waiting upon Him as my rock and my hope, should I be anxious?  David says the Lord is his rock and fortress:  his hiding place, his refuge, his protection.  There is no hope in anything else:  not in money, status, relationship, performance, nothing but the Lord.  And what is the result of such steadfast waiting, such complete rest in Him??  David says, "I will not be shaken."

It's such a simple thing.  Rest in the Lord.  Choose to trust Him.  Discipline your soul, mind, and heart to completely wait upon Him alone, refusing to allow yourself to trust any other thing, refusing to allow yourself to entertain doubts, worries, fears.  Completely rest your life in His power and steadfast love, knowing that it is the source of life, victory, hope, and glory.  And in doing so, be able to say that you are not shaken.

I pray today that your soul knows what it means to wait.

doing good...

I love when my husband preaches.
It really is one of my favorite things.  While it does make me very proud to be his wife, I also learn so much from what he has to say.  It truly is a gift, one that I am very thankful for.  Yesterday was one of those days when I got to be thankful for the way the Lord speaks through him.
He was preaching out of Malachi, in chapter 3.  The Lord cries out to the people, declaring that they have robbed and stolen from Him (later He tells them that it is because they have failed to give Him the appropriate tithes and offerings).  Completely confused, they ask Him how they have robbed and stolen from Him.
Their question shows they don't get it.  What's convicting is how often I fail to get it too.  You see, they asked the Lord how they had robbed Him, because they didn't get that everything, every single thing they have, is His.  When I get that everything is His, it totally changes the way I view...well, everything.  Nothing is mine...it's all His.
I couldn't help but think of that this morning as I read in Galatians 6:  "So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith."  All of a sudden, doing good is not a chore, a task, or one of those things I "have" to do.  I want to do good, because I get that nothing is mine...it's all been given to me, from Him.  The house I live in is not mine:  that means it's not a chore for people to come there; the husband I love so much is not mine:  that means that I don't share him begrudgingly when the Lord calls me to; this precious baby girl inside of me is not mine:  she is the Lord's, and because of that, I can raise her in Him, to do His perfect work.
Simple thoughts, but convicting nonetheless.  May your day today be lived in the fullness that everything around you...is His.

a year in review

It's crazy to see all that a year can hold.  Today I celebrate my first year anniversary with my husband.  I know that I can say with absolute honesty that it has been so much more than either one of us had ever anticipated.  In some ways, so much has happened in the past year, and in others, we still have so far to go. One of the things that has been so beautiful is to think that a year ago, hearing myself say we have so far to go would have made me sad, almost like we had failed.  Today, saying that we still have so far to go brings me absolute joy.
Marriage is hard--gloriously and perfectly hard.  People tell you that whenever you first get married, but it doesn't sink in until about two or three months after the honeymoon.  At first, the fact that it was hard killed me--I never imagined that it would be like that (I know, incredibly naive on my part, right?? :)  Now, admitting it is hard brings me so much joy:  it's supposed to be hard...it's a good kind of hard.  Nothing in my life has brought such a wide range of emotions, taught me so many things, or sanctified me more.
My view of marriage was that God had designed it for the couple.  Sure, I got that they were supposed to love each other like Christ has loved us...but I had no idea what that means.  I don't claim to really know that a year later, but I can say with confidence that I am closer.  Every single day, mine and Kade's love for each other has shown me more and more what it really means to love as our precious Lord has loved us.  Just like my precious Savior, Kade chooses to love me, even though I am incredibly unworthy and undeserving of it.  In fact, far too often I deserve the very opposite of his love...usually I deserve his frustration or his judgment.  And yet that's not what he offers me.  And just like my Savior, I am called to extend unconditional love and grace to my husband...even when it is the last thing I want to do (or the last thing he deserves).
It sounds so simple...such a "duh" thing, right?  And yet, the very process of it is life changing, sustaining grace to both of us.  Each day, that process of choosing to love, to sacrifice, to forgive truly knocks off our rough edges (and there are many for both of us...:), and brings us closer and closer to the image of Christ.  All of a sudden it's not about us...it's about Him:  His image, His love, His grace, His glory and making it known both to each other and those around us.
And at first, it doesn't sound like a very exciting--and certainly not "romantic" thing--and that is where we are so wrong.  In the end, it is everything...all that matters.  What a precious gift from my Father, that I could know and appreciate His love and grace more, that I could make much of Him with my precious husband, and that I could get to be made more like Him, both for His glory, and my good.
And so to my God...I thank you for the past year...and I praise You for the work You are still completing in us...
And to my love...thank you for going through the process with me...being ever patient with how slowly I walk it at times.  I can honestly say that I love you (though still so imperfectly), that I am finally learning what that really means, and I rejoice with all I am that I get to spend the next 75 years (at least :) going through that very process with you...seeing Christ more and more vividly in you, even as you see Him in me.
Here's to love...real, deep, abiding love...the kind that makes it through the process...and is so worth waiting for.

for grandpa...

Good byes are never fun, or easy.  My family said good-bye to my Grandpa this past weekend.  It wasn't easy, but it wasn't all sad.  In fact, one of the things I loved so much about our time is that it was such a celebration of him.  There were so many stories that were shared, laughter at funny things he had said or done, and such joy over who he was.  Yeah, I cried...quite a bit in fact.  I don't like thinking that I won't see him again, get to hear his voice, or smell his mixture of Old Spice and tobacco.  But, our time this weekend just made me thankful for him.

Something else I was thankful for came during his funeral.  The pastor had shared several stories that were fond memories of him.  Then he shared some scriptures that my grandma, aunts, and dad had shared to provide comfort in a time that is not so comforting.  My favorite was from Romans 8:  "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.  For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death."  As I heard those words, I rejoiced that even at Grandpa's funeral, there could be a reminder of the work my God has done in and for me.  For those who are His, there is no condemnation:  instead, there is grace to cover sin, forgiveness to cover wrong, and hope for sanctification and change.  There is life and freedom, even though it is completely undeserved.

Yes, the weekend was sad.  And yes, I hate good-bye.  But I was reminded that, even in our sorrow, there is hope and joy.  I have been set free, made alive by my God.  I wouldn't have that reminder without you, Grandpa...and for that I thank you.

...how awesome are your deeds...

Today was not necessarily a day where I wanted to just shout out great my God is.  Yet, when I opened up my Bible to read this morning, that is exactly what I had right in front of my face:  "Shout for joy to God, all the earth; sing the glory of His name, give to Him glorious praise!  Say to God, How awesome are your deeds!" (Psalm 66:1, 2).  Not my first thoughts in the midst of losing Grandpa and everything else.
And yet, I can do nothing less.  In every single way, God has proven faithful.  Even in death, birth, debt, frustrations, everything, He has remained gloriously faithful to His name and His steadfast love.  In every single way, I have experienced how awesome His deeds are:  it is only by His grace that I knew the most amazing Grandpa ever, it is by His grace that I have a precious family He uses to provide His love and comfort, it is by His grace that I have a husband He allows me to rest in, who takes care of even the smallest detail so I don't have to, it is by His grace that I have a beautiful baby Selah Rae inside me to serve as a reminder that even as life passes away, He makes all things new, and it is only by His precious, beautiful, peculiar grace that I might even be chosen as His child, set free completely by the work of His spirit to love and to walk in the same grace He has poured out upon me.  Yeah, without a doubt I have to join in with the psalmist and shout out the glory of His name.  With all my heart I cry out, "Come and see what God has done:  He is awesome in His deeds toward the children of man!"  (Psalm 66:5)  In every single way, it is true.

grace that is enough

"I give thanks to my God always for you because of the grace of God that was given you in Christ Jesus, that in every way you were enriched in Him..." (1 Corinthians 1:4)
Far too often I forget my absolute need for the grace.  I am far too easily convinced that there is within me something that could be enough, that could work hard enough or strive long enough to produce in me a work of righteousness, to sustain me.  The truth is, there is nothing within me that has any hope of being good, any hope of love, any hope of right-ness.  I am, at my very best, completely and utterly incapable.
Not a very encouraging thought, as long as I keep trying to be enough within myself.   But, that is where the beauty of the Lord's grace comes in.
Grace is His work in those He has made His children:  first in His work to save us some our absolute depravity, and then to continually sanctify and refine us to be like He is.  It is His grace that sustains us, even in our weakness.  It is His grace that moves us, pushes us, and grows in us His love and goodness.  In every way, we are called to rely upon that grace as our only hope.  I love these words that so carefully show our absolute need for Him:  "Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears us up; God is our salvation...Ascribe power to God, whose majesty is over Israel, and whose power is in the skies.  Awesome is God from His sanctuary; the God of Israel--He is the one who gives power and strength to His people.  Blessed be God!" (Psalm 68:18, 34, 35).

...for freedom...

It's been an incredibly long time since I've been on this thing...but I heard a story yesterday that I thought I just had to share.
The story is of a man in the late 1700s who worked in the office of a local factory.  Times were hard for his family, and they needed money to pay off some debt, so he began to embezzle funds from the owner.  Of course, he was caught and put in prison.  Prison for him was a little different than it is today:  he was placed in chains, and kept in a dark room with little light or fresh air.
He should have been released within a year, at most maybe two.  But because of some political turnover at the time, he was actually forgotten about for the next 12 years.  During that time, his wife begged and pleaded for his release.  Finally, it was granted, and after 12 years, this man was set free from his prison cell.  What happened next was incredible.
Standing in the light for the first time, he blinked cautiously and looked around him.  He took one, then two steps toward his wife, who stood before him in tears and joy, and then, he stopped.  Turning slowly, he walked back into the prison and down the stairs back into his cell, where he put his chains back on.  His wife, friends, and family were in absolute shock, and pleaded with him to enter into the freedom he had been granted.  Doctors finally decided that he had been in prison so long that his mind now knew nothing else.
Heartbreaking, isn't it??  What's even more heartbreaking is that I made it all up.  There really never was such a man...at least not one that I know of.  But what gets me is how often my life portrays that very image.  In Galatians, Paul writes, "...we also, when we were children, were enslaved to the elementary principles of the world.  But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son...to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons.  And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, 'Abba! Father!'  So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God." (4: 3-7)
Just like this man, I am incredibly guilty before my God.  Nothing within me is good enough to deserve His love, peace, and righteousness.  Just like this man, I am completely imprisoned, bound to myself, to these things that keep me from Him.  But there is hope.  Paul goes on to say that it is "for freedom that Christ has set us free." (5:1)
Free.  I am completely set free, from all of it:  my sin, myself, my false expectations, everything that drives me and yet never fully satisfies.  My freedom is found only in His life, death, and resurrection.
But, if I refuse to walk in it, I am just like a prisoner who picks back up his chains, refusing to walk in the freedom he has been granted.  I pray today, that if you truly are a child of God, you might live in the freedom for which He has set you free.

not just a destination

At 25 years old, I finally feel like I'm beginning to learn a few things...or at least one thing.  Over and over lately, I have been struck with how much our lives truly are about process, a continual doing, trying, failing, realizing what went wrong, and trying again.
We're so quick to get caught up in the destination and forget the beauty of the process.  Everything within us wants to arrive at a certain place within a certain time.  We forget how valuable the process is:  that sometimes we actually gain more from it, then we do from our point of arrival.  I had one of those moments today (I have to admit I have them far more often than I should...).
Kade and I were frustrated with one another today...it wasn't a big deal at all, just one of those times that comes with being two imperfect people in a relationship that is designed to sanctify.  The frustrations aren't the point, but rather some of my thinking within them.
In those moments I am so quick to be so frustrated with myself.  Everything within me begins listing off everything I've done wrong and continue to do wrong, everything I haven't gotten right yet, and everything I wonder if I'll ever be able to get right in relationship.  In my mind, I feel like we're doomed to failure because we aren't where "we're supposed to be."
That's not the point, and if I try to make it the point, I completely lose sight of all the Lord has in store for us.  The point is that those moments sanctify, they break off the things that keep us from being like the Lord and help us to come more into His image.  Without them and the process that they are, there is no way to get to the point of arrival.
That hit me as we sat together this evening, enjoying the beauty around us and the fact that we had been restored.  All of a sudden, it wasn't about reaching a certain place...it was about the fact that, through the Lord's process, we had each been made a little better, a little more like Him.  No, we're not exactly where we need to be yet...but that's not the point.  The point is that we're on our way.

thirsty

We've all been thirsty before.  When I get back from a run, all I want is a long drink of water.  Nothing else sounds as good.  This past weekend, I listened to my sister share the story of the woman at the well in John 4.  Like anyone else who is human, she got thirsty.  Only, her solution to the problem was not just to turn on the faucet and get a drink, or pull out a nice cold pitcher from the fridge.  If she wanted water, she had to go get it from the local well.  It was a hot, daily task, but without it, she would not be able to drink.
So, she packed up, grabbed her water jar, and headed to the well to quench her thirst.  Only, she had no idea all that was waiting for her when she got there.  As she was throwing down her jar to have it filled, Jesus came up to her and asked for a drink.  His request shocks her:  He was a Jew, and she was a Samaritan.  The two never mixed...and most Jews wouldn't have dared to be near a Samaritan, let alone ask to drink after one.  She can't believe He would ask such a thing of her, and she tells Him as much.  His response is somewhat ironic:  He says that if she only knew who He was, she would be asking Him for living water. 
There's so much in this story...it's one of my favorites.  But as I listened to Jessie share it this weekend, I saw something new about it, something that had never stuck out to me before.
I couldn't help but think of another story about wells, this one in Jeremiah 2:13.  The Lord is talking to Jeremiah about His people.  He says they have committed two evils:  the first is that they have forsaken Him.  Israel was constantly choosing anything but the Lord, other gods, the strength of man, their own idolatries.  Over and over throughout their history, they can be seen rejecting the grace and love of the Lord. 
The result of this leads to their second sin:  the Lord says they have made for themselves their own cisterns (another word for wells).  What's even worse is that these cisterns, these wells that are supposed to hold life-giving sustaining water, are broken.  They hold nothing.  So not only has Israel chosen to forsake their God, they have chosen to forsake Him for empty, meaningless things.
How often do we do that?  What do I work and work to fill myself with, only to find it doesn't fill at all?  Jobs, relationships, appearance, money, status, things, performance?  Empty...they are empty, all of them!  None of them will satisfy, because none of them was designed to fill me...none of them are the Lord.
I love that this woman at the well chose the other way.  She realized that what the Lord had to offer her was so much more than anything else she had run after.  The words of John 4:28 sum it up perfectly, "So the woman left her jar and went away into the town..."  She didn't need her water jar anymore...she had been filled with the water of life.
I pray you might be filled as well...

true grit...

Growing up, Jessie and I were some of the few girls in the world who could actually quote John Wayne movies.  Our Daddy got us hooked.  One of his favorites was True Grit, the story of Sheriff Rooster Cogburn who stands as a man of integrity in the midst of people who are anything but.  It's his willingness to hang in there in spite of hard things, to hold firm no matter what that makes him a man of true grit.
Believe me when I say that I'm not trying to spiritualize Rooster Cogburn.  But I did think about his grit as I was reading this morning.  David is the writer of Psalm 86, and is pouring his heart out to the Lord in the midst of trials.  Verse 14 says that "insolent...ruthless men" are running after his very life.  He turns to the Lord as his only hope, clinging to the steadfast love and faithfulness of his God.
Here's the part where true grit comes in.  It would make sense to us if David wrote this psalm to complain about his circumstances, or to show that he deserved pity because of them.  But his words could not be farther from that.  With absolute tenacity, he declares to the Lord in verse 11, "For You alone are great and do wondrous things; You alone are God."
Really?  In light of all the things he could choose to say, David chose to praise the Lord, to declare that He does wondrous things.
Where does such grit, such strength, such fortitude come from?  It came first from the depth of David's heart, from the knowledge that his God was above all, unlike any other, "There is none like you among the gods, O Lord, nor are there any works like yours," (verse 8).  And then it came from asking.  In verse 11, he says, "Teach me your way, O Lord , that I may walk in your truth; unite my heart to fear your name."  David asked the Lord to unite his heart to trust nothing but Him.
And like David, I pray that my heart will be united completely to the Lord, that nothing will sway me from believing that He is great and all of His works are wondrous...

Immanuel

Immanuel is a word we usually associate only with Christmas time.  We think about the birth of Christ, sing songs about it, and then put it away for another year.  But, that was the theme of my heart as I read yesterday morning in Isaiah seven.
Ahaz is the king of Judah, when Israel and Syria decide to press in and attack.  Think of it as Canada and Mexico joining forces to attack the United States.  It wasn't like doing war overseas...these countries were right next to Judah...they were powerful, and they were coming quickly.  And Ahaz was afraid (I can't say that I blame him).  Isaiah, who is the messenger of the Lord, comes to the King with words of encouragement, straight from YAHWEH, who promises that the alliance between Syria and Israel is a temporal thing, that they will soon face their end.  Through the voice of Isaiah, He tells Ahaz to trust Him, He will prove faithful to the people of His covenant.
But rather than being comforted by the very presence and faithfulness of the Lord, Ahaz chooses to put his trust in men.  He decides to create an alliance with Assyria to help protect him and his country from the oncoming threat.
Again, the Lord comes to Ahaz through Isaiah.  This time, he tells him to ask for a sign...anything at all.  In every way, the Lord is offering Ahaz a chance to strengthen his faith:  ask of the Lord, see Him prove faithful, and then realize you can put your trust in Him.  Ahaz, however, refuses, not out of humility or because he realizes that he can trust the Lord, but because his mind is made up.  And so, the Lord responds:  "Therefore the Lord Himself will give you a sign.  Behold, the virgin will conceive and bear a son, and will call His name Immanuel." (Isaiah 7:14)
Immanuel...it means, "God is with us."  God is with us.  In every way, this sign, the promise of Immanuel fulfilled everything Ahaz refused to put his faith in.  Even when the Lord promised to be with him, Ahaz still chose to trust in men.  Several hundred years later, Jesus came, conceived by a virgin, to be the fulfillment of the promise Ahaz missed:  He was indeed our Immanuel, our God with us.
I don't want to be like Ahaz.  I don't want to miss out on the faithfulness and presence of my Savior, choosing instead to trust in other things:  people, myself, money, things...  I don't think the promise of Immanuel is a one-time thing.  He is still our God with us, our glory, our hope, our treasure. 
And in reality, it's not really the Christmas story, as much as it is the Gospel.  And the Gospel is always in season.

praise...in all things

At times, praise is such an easy thing.  There are moments where it just flows from us:  as we look all around, we find things for which we should praise the Lord:  health, finances, provision, beauty, relationship, safety, creation...(and the list can go on, and on).  But, there are times where it doesn't just flow from us, times where we don't recognize anything to worship or give thanks for.
I read this morning in Psalm 89.  It's pretty long, so I won't quote it.  But the whole thing is Israel recounting the steadfast love and faithfulness of the Lord.  Over and over they talk of the covenant He has made with them and the house of David...a covenant to sustain them, to grow them, to keep them in Him.  In fact, the very first verse says that they will, "sing of the steadfast love of the Lord forever" and will with their mouths "make known His faithfulness to all generations."  Their words drip with the worthiness of Him, who has proven Himself so faithful to His Word and His name.  His goodness has completely overwhelmed them, and they recognize that there is none like Him.  In light of all that, why wouldn't they praise Him?  It's somewhat of a no-brainer...God has been so good to us, it just makes sense to thank Him...to rejoice in Him.
But then the Psalm changes.  For some reason left unknown to us, the end verses of the Psalm tell us they are suffering the wrath of God.  All of a sudden, praise wouldn't be so easy, would it?  At least not for me...that would be the last thing on my mind as I suffered punishment.  Again, it just makes sense...
But that's not what happens.  As the end of the Psalm tells of the people going through their punishment and judgment, there is no mention of grumbling or cursing.  Instead, they call again on the Lord's faithfulness, remind Him of His covenant with them, and then continue to praise Him.  The very last verse says, "Blessed be the Lord forever..."
The point is not just that we praise Him in all things...the point is why we praise Him:  for who He is, for His name, His word, His purposes in us.  Israel stayed mindful of that, and because they did, could joyfully proclaim, "Blessed be the Lord forever!"
I don't know where your life is, or what you find yourself going through:  grief, sorrow, difficulty, punishment...I don't know.  The point is that in all these things, we recognize Him as worthy and praise Him as such...regardless of what things are like for us...

...my baby girl...and the beauty of the Cross

I met my baby girl on Friday.  I still can't get over how perfect she is.  Not perfect in the sense that she will do no wrong (although right now her record is pretty spotless :)...but perfect in the sense that she is everything the Lord has designed her to be.  Everything about her proclaims the glory of His grace.  I couldn't stop staring at her.  She's so beautiful, so full of life already.  Every picture we have, she has her feet over her head, showing off how well she bends and moves.  She made sure to yawn at us and even tried to suck her thumb.  Like I said...perfection.
As I sat there watching her, I was overwhelmed with so much humility.  Nothing within me deserves such a treasure.  I will never understand why the Lord would choose to bless me with such a gift.  And in all reality, there is no rhyme or reason to it...none of it.  It only comes by His grace, nothing else can be the source.  It probably sounds really weird to say that looking at my precious daughter on a sonogram makes me think of the Cross, but it does.  For the Cross is the epitome, the fountain of grace.  My precious, glorious, sinless Savior was hung upon it--He who was perfect, who knew no sin, took my sin and put it upon Himself; His righteousness became mine, and in the eyes of God Himself I, who had once been a sinner, was now seen as completely pure and innocent before Him. 
As one who has been completely covered in that grace, I must see it in everything, realizing that everything is from my Father.
I pray you might see that grace in everything...whether it's the precious yawns of a baby girl, the beauty of a sunrise, or the provision of finances for another day, all things come from Him, and all things are by the grace of His Cross.  May you find yourself completely enthralled with the beauty of it all.

a little closer than I think ...

Far too often, I find myself so quick to judge.  And far too often in those moments, I find myself so quickly convicted...often, about the same thing I was judging.
I was reading this morning in Isaiah.  The Lord is condemning His people because they have chosen to wake up early and go to bed late, running after wine, feasts, music...everything. The culmination of it all?  They have failed to regard Him at all (Isaiah 5:11-12).
Immediately I judge, shaking my head at Israel, wondering how in the world they could choose such foolish things over God Himself, and so thankful that I never make such a choice.  I don't do anything as bad as that, right?
And then it hit me...I do that in so many ways, far more often than I want to admit.  How many times do I choose doing something for work over my time with the Lord?  How often do I allow myself to be distracted by Facebook, my blog, or cleaning...?  How many times a day do I choose anything over the Lord?  The answer shows I am far too close to Israel than I want to be.  Just like them, I give no regard for the Lord
I pray you won't find yourself in such a place...to where that can be said of you as well.  But, if you do, I pray we all might realize the urgency of getting to the place where there is no doubt we completely regard Him in all things.

...sour grapes

I really probably could win the Worst Mom of the Year Award.  Today, was definitely one such day.  I know that my words are wringing wet with selfishness, but sometimes I am so scared to be a mom.  Parenting is a huge responsibility.  What if I don't know what it means when my baby cries?  What if I don't know how to take care of him or her?  What if I can't handle the responsibility?  What if I can't do this?  What if I can't do it well at all?
To be truthful, sometimes my fears get the best of me.  Sometimes, I'm so scared that I'd rather not try.  It's going to be hard at times.  It's going to mean change, lots of change.  It's going to take a lot out of me and of Kade.  And while I know that getting to be a mother and a parent is going to be such an amazing privilege and gift, there are moments where I'm so afraid, I would just rather not face it all.
Those were my thoughts anyway as I was trying to have my quiet time this morning.  Over and over my heart beat out that I just can't do this...I can't do it. 
Like I said, my words show my absolute selfishness.  In every way, they are all about me.  I finally began to read, begging the Lord to give me something, anything.  And He did, although it wasn't quite what I had expected.  I was reading in Isaiah 5, and the first two verses tell how the Lord planted a vineyard,   In these verses, the vineyard is Israel, His people.  They tell of how He so lovingly works on them, fertilizes them, clears away everything that will hinder growth.  He pours Himself into them, in the hopes that they will produce good, perfect fruit.
But they didn't.  Instead, they produced sour grapes, that are good for nothing.  If you read the chapters before, their "sourness"  is because of their desire to go their own way, to reject the leading of the Lord and the covenant He has made with them.  Instead, they chose the gods of other nations, their own desires.  In spite of all the Lord had done to grow them, they chose something.  And the result:  sour grapes.
It hit me as I was reading:  I don't want to be like Israel.  With all my heart, I believe the Lord brings things into our life that He uses to grow us, to continue to shape us to be more like Him, a fruit worthy of harvest.  I have no doubt that my perfect, precious baby is going to be one of the most beautiful, sanctifying things in my life.  And so, rather than rejecting the cultivation of the Lord for my own desires, I pray that I might allow Him to grow and to prune me into fruit worthy of Him.
And I rejoice even more that He would use my child for such a gift.  And in spite of the fears motherhood gives me, I will enter into it with absolute joy, completely humbled that He would grant me such a treasure.

broken beads

South Padre Island during spring break is definitely an experience, one I will not soon forget.  It truly is a beautiful place.  After being there, I can understand why hundreds of people go there every year to get away for a week.
Of course, the beauty of the island isn't the only thing that draws the crowd.  Hands down, this was one of the craziest weeks of my life.  I went down there with my sister's college group as a part of Beach Reach.  Basically, it's a mission trip to the people on the island:  offering free van rides to anywhere, pancake breakfasts, and the Gospel (if the person is interested).  There's no way for me to write out everything I saw, but I want to try and share at least one thing that hit me hard.
One of the things you see everywhere, even miles outside the island, are beads.  They sell them by the hundreds, and guys buy them by the handfuls.  Girls, however, don't get to buy them...they have to earn them.  And many will gladly do what they have to for them.  It broke my heart to watch.
One afternoon we were coming back from the beach.  In the middle of the road was a broken strand of beads.  It was missing almost half its strand, and you could tell it had been run over several times.  The color was wearing off, and it had lost all its shine.  I have no idea how those beads got there.  Maybe they had belonged to a girl who had them, and then lost them.  Maybe they just fell off of a guy who was wearing them.  I don't know.  But as we walked passed them, I thought about what they represented.  How many girls last week did something they now really regret, all for those beads?  How many of them chose to sacrifice something precious, just to earn them?  How many are ashamed of the choices they made, and have nothing to show for it but a strand of beads...broken and cast off to the side of the road? 
Worse than that, how many things do I run after with my life?  How often do I sacrifice the very best I could have to earn something I only think is great?  How often do I choose the things of this world, rather than clinging to the thing the Lord has promised me is the very best--Himself??  My prayer today is that our lives won't be spent chasing broken beads, things that are cheap and plastic and just end up on the side of the road because they don't truly satisfy.  Instead, may we cling to the very best, and in holding onto that find satisfaction to the fullest.

...to praise His name...

5:40 in the morning is a really hard time to do anything, especially concentrate on reading or writing.  But, there are some things that are too good to keep to yourself, so I'm going to try to put thoughts together in a way that makes some sense.
Psalm 92 says, "It is good to give thanks to the Lord, to sing praises to Your name, O Most High;  to declare Your steadfast love in the morning, and Your faithfulness by night...For You, O Lord, have made me glad by Your work; at the works of Your hands I sing for joy." (vs 1-2, 4).
I love the part about singing praises to His name.  In order to be able to sing praises to His name, His name must first be known.  It is impossible to praise the very identity of someone without knowing them, without first having their nature, character, essence revealed.
And the Lord had indeed revealed Himself:
"The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, but who will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children and the children's children, to the third and fourth generation."  (Exodus 34: 6-7)
Without a doubt, a God worthy to be praised:  a God whose holiness and righteousness requires justice and discipline, but whose steadfast love provides compassion, mercy, and grace.  Like the psalmist, I pray you will find your morning one of praises to the Name of the Most High, to the One who has revealed Himself, in justice, love, and mercy.

...a case of the i don't want to's...

Yesterday, I had a bad case of the "I don't want to's."  I'm sure you've had them.  The ones where you wake up, and you don't want to do anything.  I didn't want to wake up early...it was raining outside.  The day was made for staying in bed, cuddling with my husband and my baby (in my tummy lol).  I didn't want to get out in the rain, or get on a loud, bouncing bus, and even though I adore my kids, I really didn't want to teach first grade. 
Sound familiar??  I doubt I'm the only one who has experienced them.  But the absolute beauty of those days is that they are a choice, in every way.  The second my alarm goes off, I have a choice, and it is one that goes far beyond whether to get up or hit the snooze again (and again...).  It has everything to do with where my eyes are going to be.  I can look upon myself and choose to be dictated by my feelings and emotions.  The result is that my attitude for the entire day is negative.  Everything becomes a burden, a chore.  It seeps into the way I treat my students and co-workers, my husband.  When my eyes are on me, I expect everything else to look that way as well.  And then when that doesn't happen, well...
Or, I can choose to put my eyes upon the Lord.  As I read yesterday in Psalms 93, I came upon these words:  "The Lord reigns, He is robed in majesty, the Lord is robed; He has put on strength as His belt...Your throne is established from of old; you are from everlasting." (Ps 93:1,2).  As I look to Him, I look to One who is immovable, unshaken by day-to-day things.  As I look to Him, I am reminded of who He is, what He has done for me.  As I think about the sheer glory of the Cross, the fact that He not only purposed me and chose me, He also died for me...I can't help but lose the thought that things have to go my way.  Instead, I remember that I am part of a kingdom that cannot be shaken by weather, sleepless nights, or bouncy buses (Hebrews 12:28, 29), and I am able to worship in the glory of the One who has established that kingdom.  To Him belongs glory, and focus, and all worth...even on days with the I dont' want to's...

Let there be thanksgiving...

Have you ever known a person that is just impossible to please??  No matter what you do, you're never going to be able to satisfy them?  (And how many of you secretly wanted to slap that person by the end of your time with them...or worse?)  I've felt like that with my kids before.  They always get so jealous of the little pre-K'ers, because they get snacks everyday.  So, the other day, we had snacks.  We made the cutest little snowmen snacks:  marshmallows for the body, pretzels for arms, raisins for buttons, and mini M&M's for eyes...and then we "glued" it all together with frosting (my parents probably wanted to kill me...).  It floored me how many kids threw almost the whole thing away:  "Mrs. Wilcox, I just don't like that..."  Seriously??  It was frosting...what better snack could there be in the world??
Now, how many times have I been that person?  Yesterday is a great example for me...in fact, it's almost embarrassing to admit how good of an example it is.  I griped when I thought I had to go to school at regular time, then griped again when I found out it was canceled because I was already dressed and ready to go.  I was bored, so I went to the office to see Kade, then got frustrated when I worked in the office and he was working in another room.  How many times in the past few weeks have I thought about how nice it would be to have just a day at home, with nothing to do but read and sit in front of the fire?  Then once I get it, I complain about how bored I am...
By the end of that, I wanted to slap myself.  In some ways, the Lord did.  Look at these words in Ephesians, "Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving."  This isn't the only place in the Bible that mentions the importance of thankfulness and gratitude.  It's throughout.
Think about it.  When I choose to be thankful, my eyes are off myself.  I'm acknowledging several things:  1.)  That I don't deserve to have everything going my way (which is a truth I need hammered into me every single day...), 2.)  That I do actually have things to rejoice in (which is always very true...), and 3.)  That the Lord is more than everything.  When I choose to be thankful to Him in everything, I give Him the praise and the worth that He already deserves.
So...I challenge you (and even more importantly, myself) today with four simple words:  "let there be thanksgiving."

Beloved Children

It's crazy how pregnancy completely changes your mindset.  Now, I promise, I haven't turned into one of those woman who can only think about pregnancy stuff and baby bottles and room ideas...it hasn't completely taken me over.  But, I would be lying if I said that it hadn't really changed the way I think...especially when I hear or see something that has to do with children...
Like my morning time with the Lord a few days ago.  I'm slowly, slowly working my way through the book of Ephesians, and I have been completely humbled and amazed by the Lord's faithfulness and goodness in His sovereignty.  It was no different with the first verse of chapter 5, "Therefore, be imitators of God, as beloved children."  Of course, right away, my soon-to-be-mommy ears perk up at the word children.  I think about how toddlers learn to imitate everything:  voice sounds, clapping, throwing, blowing kisses...they're little mini-you's moving at miles per hour.  It makes total and complete sense...it's how they learn, how they absorb, how they change from being a child to becoming an adult person, capable of thinking, conversation, movements...everything. If they have no one to imitate, how are they supposed to know??
It's such a beautiful, perfect picture of our dependency on the Lord.  If we do not always put our eyes upon Him, if we do not make Him our focus, if we do not center ourselves upon Him, how are we supposed to learn holiness, righteousness, mercy, and goodness???  Like small, innocent children whose eyes are fixed on mommy and daddy for everything, our eyes must be glued to Him as our Source.
But, that's not the entire picture...there's more.  I love how the last two words say, "beloved children."  It's such a sweet picture of the fact that the Lord loves us so much...and His love is so perfect and pure.  But what I love even more that Paul uses the word "children"...but He's writing to Ephesians believers...people who were not of Jewish descent.  They were Gentiles, who were supposed to be completely outside from the promises and covenant of the Lord.  Except the Lord had a purpose and a plan.  If you go back to chapter 1, verse 5, Paul says that, "In love, He predestined us for adoption as sons."  The Ephesians were not part of God's people by birth...they didn't naturally have that heritage or destiny.  And because of the Lord's grace...they didn't have to.  He chose them to be sons and daughters...with an identity totally and completely in Him. 
The same is true for us.  It's such a beautiful picture of His grace.  We, who have been made to be His children only because of His goodness and mercy to us, can now be called His beloved, and look to Him...as our Father.
I pray this week that you might find your eyes constantly turning to your Father, as His beloved child, striving to imitate Him.

A new string of pearls...

Up until my wedding day, I had never owned a piece of "real" jewelry (other than my wedding ring...which I don't really count as jewelry...it's permanent :).  The closest thing I had to anything like that was a cheap pearl necklace I had found at a thrift store.  The pearls (or the beads that were painted to look like pearls) were way too big, and had turned this yellow-ish color rather than the ivory they were supposed to be. But, I didn't know any different.  I had never experienced anything better, and so I was completely happy with what I had...
Until my wedding day.  As my wedding gift, Kade gave me a real pearl necklace and earrings to wear as I walked down the aisle to him.  They are so beautiful:  just the perfect size, with an ivory color (not yellow...).  I couldn't have asked for anything better.  I know that I'll treasure them forever, not just because they are real and valuable, but also because of what they represent.  In fact, when I'm not wearing them, I still keep them wrapped up in the box, just like the day he gave them to me.
Now, imagine something me.  Picture my wedding day:  its close to time to take pictures, and all the girls are bustling around, doing what they need to in order to get ready.  Imagine me, in my wedding dress, putting on last minute touches with make-up and lip gloss.  And then, to top it all off, I put on my wedding jewelry:  my cheap, thrift store string of pearls, in all its faded yellow glory.
I really hope something seems incredibly wrong with that picture.  Does it make any sense to wear the same old jewelry I've always worn?  The jewelry that is cheap and imitation, that doesn't satisfy nearly as much as the real thing?  Of course not...
And yet, it's hit me in the past few days, that I do that very thing to the Lord.  My desire is so much for myself:  my ways, my plans...what I think should happen, what I want.  I choose my desires, myself, over Him...completely forgetting that He is the One who is sovereign and above all.  His is the only plan that brings about His glory...which is truly my greatest joy, and delight.  I was reading in Psalms 105, and came upon these words in verses 19 and 20:  "They made a calf in Horeb and worshiped a metal image.  They exchanged the glory of God for the image of an ox that eats grass."  My instinct here is to say that I'm not like that...I don't exchange the Lord for an idol (especially not an idol in the image of a cow...).  But how often do I choose my plans over the Lord?  How often do I throw aside the best He has for me, just in order to cling to my desires.  Oh Lord, open my eyes to the idols I have put in place of You...may You be the only glory I choose to behold.
I hope today, you might find yourself choosing the very best the Lord has to offer...Himself.  And in choosing that, may you choose to get rid of all those old, imitation necklaces that just don't measure up...

thoughts on motherhood...from one who knows nothing about it :)

Yes...it's official...I am going to be a mommy, and my very amazing husband is going to be the world's best dad (not that I'm biased or anything...:).  We had our first doctor's appointment yesterday, complete with blood work, other "samples", and a real sonogram (I showed the picture off all day at work...Kade showed his off all day yesterday...:).
I wish that I could honestly tell you that my heart has known nothing but joy about realizing I'm pregnant, becoming a mom, and everything else.  I really wish I could, but I can't.  If I did, I would be lying.  Don't get me wrong, I'm excited--unbelievably so--but believe me when I say that excitement has been a process.
Anyone who has known me for any period of time has known my thoughts on having children--the very thought of having a baby terrified me to no end.  It wasn't in my plans.  It wasn't that I thought something was wrong with having children, I just didn't think it was for me.  And then I got married....:)
I love so many things about Kade...his sheer joy for the Lord and life...the way he works and studies and does everything with such fervor.  He teaches me so much every day about what it means to truly follow the Lord and rest in who He is.  But one thing he had a hard time getting me to share was his love for children.  Anyone who has known Kade for any period of time has known that he loves children.  He rejoices in them...he thinks they're perfect...for so long he has yearned for his own.  (Not exactly my attitude, right??)  In marrying him, I realized that there was going to come a day where I was going to have children...while it wasn't exactly my plan, I was ok with it, because I knew it would be down the road.
We pretend so much that we actually have control of our lives.  It's almost comical.  Who am I to think that I actually have a right to tell God when and how He should put life inside of me?  How DARE I is the even greater question.  And yet, those were my very thoughts:  I was the one who determined my future, who decided when I had a baby...do you hear the selfishness in all of that??
And then, life happened.  The process has been a slow one to say the least.  But slowly and surely, the Lord has begun to teach me that my life is not my own.  Ephesians 1:4 says that the Lord, "chose us in Him before the foundation of the world." Do you hear the sovereignty in those words:  He is the one who chooses--not us.  Not only is He the one who has chosen, but it says that He did it before the very world was founded.  Oh Lord, forgive my arrogance--that I would even think the choice is mine for something like this goes completely in the face of who You are.
At first, absolute surrender to the Lord seems like such a terrifying thing.  And I have to be honest, there are probably always going to be moments where we are tempted to fear while following Him.  But in reality, resting in His sovereignty, rather than trying to keep a vice-grip on my life is such a comforting thing.  If I truly believe that He is God, totally and completely above and beyond everything, why wouldn't I want to rest my life in His capable hands?
And so, I come back to my thoughts on motherhood.  I won't lie...the thought of it still terrifies me...I mean, what am I going to do when my baby starts crying and I don't know why?  Or when he/she gets sick?  Or when they hurt and I can't fix it? 
Actually, I know the answer.  I'm going to have to do what I'm learning right now...to cling with all I am to my sovereign Lord, whose ways are so far beyond my own.  Today, I choose to trust in Him and delight with sheer joy at the gift He has given me, and in the fact that He has even chosen to grace me with such a treasure.
I pray that, whatever your circumstances, you might be able to do the same.  May you have no doubt that life in Him is more worthy than anything else.

oh, for sundays...:)

Sometimes, Sundays are just hard to do.  It's the official last day of the weekend before life as I know it starts back up, hard and early Monday morning.  No matter how much or how little I have done since Friday evening, everything within me wants to hold onto as much time off as I can (not always easy to do when you're at church by 9:30...).  To top that off, sometimes, it's just hard to go to church.  I'm so guilty of always playing the consumer:  wanting everything just the way I order it, church included.  I expect the message I want to hear, based upon the text I choose most worthy, surrounded by the songs I think most ignite a heart of worship.

Not really practical, or for that matter possible.  And, typical consumer that I am, when my demands aren't met, I get frustrated, put out...how many of you have done the same thing on a Sunday morning (or night)???  I doubt I'm the only one...

And yet here's a lesson learned--one that's especially relevant because it came from my experience in church this Sunday:  though I might bring against it my complaints and dissatisfactions, church is the only place in which I can fully gather with the rest of the body of Christ to worship Him in spirit and truth.  I'm not saying that true, spirit-filled worship can't happen anywhere else because it can, but I am saying that almost none of those experiences involve the rest of the body...fellow believers who find themselves in the same difficulties, tough times, and learning experiences that I do.  And without, I need that unity...

The lesson I gained from my fellow worshipers this week was that of the absolute faithfulness of God.  It started with hugs and encouraging words from dear friends and acquaintances as soon as I set foot inside the big double doors.  It continued with us, together, singing, "Great is Thy Faithfulness."  As I sat there and listened to the words, I felt myself counting all the ways the Lord had been faithful just in my two weeks for Christmas break.  A humbling thought when I considered how much of my faithfulness been to my wants and desires (imagine that....).

The lesson continued with the message:  the faithfulness of God made known through the very genealogy of His Son, the Messiah promised to the Jews and awaited for thousands of years.  Thousands of years...That's an incredibly long time.  And yet, over and over throughout that time, God reminded His people of His promise...over and over throughout that time, He remained faithful to His name...and then, at His appointed time, He delivered.

There's so much more to it than that...there always is.  And I don't even know if I necessarily made a main point...I hope that I at least managed to make a couple of small ones:  one of them being that my God is incredibly faithful to His purpose, and as part of that purpose, I get to experience the blessing of His faithfulness as well...another of them being that I would not have been reminded of that had it not been for the church...the beautiful body of Christ.