...sitting...

I don't sit well...at all.
I can't stand to not be doing, to be going, to be part of something.  It kills me to sit and just wait, to just bide my time.  In fact, if it wasn't for a ridiculous fetish with the Food Network and the Cooking Channel, I would never even turn on my TV because I feel guilty for sitting that long without getting something done.
Now, imagine a busy-body like me, on her 39th week of pregnancy (and yes, I say that with waaaay more pride than I should...but when your daughter is the absolutely precious Selah Rae Wilcox, you've got something to be proud of :), whose husband and good friend is officially flipping a house in a town over an hour away from home--there's not a whole lot I can do to help (except take pictures, which I have done faithfully...and then realized I had forgotten the darn cord to load them on my computer).  To be honest, I have no idea how my sister-in-law has put up with me for two days already...:)
Anyway, all of that makes for a major identity crisis.  You see, I've come to realize that I tie so much of who I am in what I am able to do.  If I'm busy and productive, I find self-worth.  If I get alot done, and do it well, I consider myself one amazing woman...a woman with a purpose and a meaning.  When I don't have anything to do, I'm completely at a loss...I feel worthless.
My guess is I'm not alone in that identity crisis.  I know far too people who can't sit still any better than I can...and I have a feeling at least half of them struggle with the same equation, that my work=my worth, and if I want to be worth something, I had better get busy.  But the thing is, that math doesn't add up.  That's not the way it works with the Lord.
As I read the last few words of Psalm 60 this morning, I was convicted.  Before I quote them, let me say that I know David is not writing them because he has the same identity problems I do.  But, I do think they show some very important lessons for me to learn:  the whole Psalm is David asking for the Lord's help against his nation's enemies.  He calls out to the Lord because he recognizes he has help in no other source:  "Oh grant us help against the foe, for vain is the salvation of man!  With God we shall do valiantly; it is He who will tread down our foes."  What hit me is that David gets it:  it has nothing to do with our work, and everything to do with the Lord.
It's the same with me:  my purpose and identity has nothing to do with me...in fact, I've messed up enough times to be able to say with David that vain is the salvation of man.  Even on my busiest, most productive day, I don't have enough within me to achieve worth and purpose on my own.  But in the Lord, because of who He is and NOT because of what I have done, I find all of that.  And all of a sudden, it's not about what I do...it's about who He is.  It's about the fact that, even in my complete and utter unworthiness, He has loved me, He has poured grace upon, and He has chosen me.
And when I realize the depths of such unconditional love, grace, and delight...all that comes from Him, it's not about what I can do.  Instead, every action, word, touch...everything, is a reflection of the absolute joy I find in knowing that nothing I do will make me worthy in His eyes, and still I have His love.
All of a sudden, sitting isn't quite as hard...:)