...the hiccups...

Preggos don't always sleep well.  Preggos who are at their due date really don't sleep well...:)  Too much goes on in your mind.  So, awake early, early this morning, I had some thoughts for my little girl.  Again, I thought I'd share them...she can't come soon enough...:)

I haven’t been able to sleep at all well tonight (which is why we’re up at four in the morning).  When I went to bed, I’d had some contractions.  Nothing consistent, but enough to make me wonder if tonight was going to be the night.  Anyway, as I lay there awake, I felt the tiniest sensation inside of me (ok, tiniest may not be the right word…you’ve pretty much outgrown your home, so they actually feel pretty big).  It was rhythmic and consistent, but not as strong as your kicks.

            You had the hiccups…:).  It’s so incredibly cute when you do.  Every few seconds I feel this little jerk, and sometimes, they make you mad:  I’ll feel the little jerks in sequence, and then you’ll throw in some extra jabs, like you think you’ll be able to make them stop if you kick hard enough.

            With tears in my eyes, I just held my hands on my tummy.  I just couldn’t get enough.  You see, love, it hit me that this very well could be the last time I ever get to feel you have the hiccups.  As anxious, nervous, excited, and joyful as I am for you to be born, I praise the Lord He allowed me to stop and feel them one last time.

            Baby Girl, you can’t come fast enough.  But though I am so ready, I’ll hold onto you for as long as I get you.  You have no idea how much I love you.

            Father, be with my baby girl today.  Continue to keep her safe and strong and warm inside of me.  Let me treasure these last few times with her, and begin to prepare us both now for the joyous relationship we are about to know.  Sanctify us through one another:  let us know love, and mercy, and grace, and let us be so quick to grant it.  Help me to be her Mommy…and help us both to be daughters who bring You glory.

            I love you, Selah Rae (and in a few years, I promise, I’ll teach you how to cure the hiccups :),

            Mommy

peace...

It's so amazing how quick we are to worry, to stress.  Without even realizing it, our tendency to do so is blatant evidence of our desire (and our attempt) to be in complete control of our lives...and the fact that we are not.  Think about it, if I completely rested in the fact that my life is in the hands of a totally sovereign God, a God whose purposes are so far beyond me, for something so much greater (Himself, and His glory)...what would I have to worry about?  I could rest in the fact that He is in control, He is working towards His purpose, His ways are good, and He will make them happen.

Sounds simple, right?  It should be...until we try to take control.  I was challenged by the words of Isaiah 26 this morning:  "You keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You."
First of all, what is peace?  Basically, dictionary.com says it's the absence of conflict, fear, and worry.  It's right relationship, complete rest.
Who are those that have peace?  Those whose minds are on the Lord--basically, those whose minds are completely centered and focused upon almighty God, and nothing else.
Why do they have peace?  Because they trust Him.  They don't have to worry about being in control, making sure things turn our right, or handling difficulties that come up.  Instead, they are able to rest in someone so much higher than all of that.

And so. today I challenge you to know peace.  It's not something dependent upon your circumstances, whether or not things are going well, or even if you can just manage to get everything done.  It's a state of the heart, an action...of simply choosing to set your mind on the One whose ways are so far above are own, and completely resting in His perfect purpose.  Today, may you be among those who are kept in perfect peace.

...dreaming...

Ok, so I promise not everything I write about it going to be about my baby girl.  But, seeing as how she is almost here, it kinda makes sense that she's on my mind quite a bit, right?  I thought about her a lot today.  I wrote some of my thoughts down to her, and thought I might share.  Here goes nothing...:)

Today I got to dream a little bit.  I was starting to go a little stir crazy in the house.  I’ve tried to keep busy by writing letters, doing some things for Sierra's classroom, cooking lunch, making calls for Daddy, reading, and anything else I can think of to do.

            I finally had to get out.  It’s been so hot lately that I hesitated, but I finally needed to see some different scenery.  So, we walked to the park.  It’s just a few blocks away.  We walked down there, sat on a bench under some trees, and I just read.  It was one of those nice slow reading days, the kind where you’re not really hurrying to get through the book.  Every couple of pages I would look around, enjoying the day and just thinking.  That’s when I would start dreaming.

            Soon, I’ll get to bring you here.  I know babies can’t get out and about right away, but I don’t plan on keeping you cooped up forever.  You need sunshine, fresh air, and outside as much as I do.  I can’t wait to take you there.  It’s not the most beautiful place on earth, but I just can’t wait to see it with you.  I can’t wait to be there, sit under those trees, and just enjoy a day…all with you. 

            In so many ways, you are going to change my life…I mean, really change my life.  But, one of the amazing things you’re going to do for me (and I don’t mean to say that selfishly), is that I am going to get to be with you.  We get to walk to the park, go to the store, see people, read books, have ice cream dates, and cook dinner…all with each other. 

            I know you’re not going to be my constant companion for life.  As you get older, you are going to make your own friends and do your own things.  But love, for a time, I get to be with you…in so many things.

            I dreamt about that today…and I rejoiced in it.  I’m completely humbled the Lord would grant me such a precious gift…one that I could never do enough to earn.  So hurry up and get here, love…we’ve got lots to do! :)

            I love you,

            Mommy

...change...

There's about to be some major changes in the Wilcox household...coming very, very soon.  We loaded up and left this morning for the big town of Panhandle, back to work at the flip house.  What's crazy is the next time I walk through my front door, it will be with my precious baby girl in my arms.
She's due on Wednesday, but if she's not here by then, we'll induce on Thursday.  So no matter what, I can officially say that my Selah Rae will be here soon.  I couldn't stop thinking about her this morning as we prepared to leave.  Walking through the nursery one last time, I touched every single thing that would soon be hers.  With tears in my eyes, I sat on the bed and just prayed...for her, for Kade, for us...to be honest my heart was so full of joy, nervousness, love, excitement, and gratitude that I don't even know that I used words, but I rejoice that the Word promises me the Spirit intercedes on my behalf...and on behalf of my precious daughter.
As I opened up my Bible for some time with my precious Jesus the morning, I could not have picked more perfect words to echo all that was in my heart.  I share them with you now, in the hopes that they might be used for yours as well:
"O Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you; I will praise your name, for you have done wonderful things, plans formed of old, faithful and sure."  (Isaiah 25:1)

Nothing could more perfectly sum up all that I feel toward the Lord in all this.  Come what may, whether my baby girl is perfect, or the absolute worst I could ever imagine happens between now and Thursday, my God is good...He is worthy of my praise, my exaltation, my absolute delight in Him.  In all ways, He has done wonderful things.  And I rejoice that always, His plans are above, beyond, and before me, and that always they are faithful and sure.

And to my baby girl, I love you.  You are my precious gift of love, life, sanctification, and redemption.  In all ways, I rejoice in you, and in the God who gave you to me.

...the source...

It seems just a little bit like a heretic to think of something hard as being from the Lord.  Most of us are quick to give Him credit for the good times...but the hard ones?  The ones that require a lot of patience, that take something from us, the ones that just really aren't that fun or that good?  Those...those can't be from Him.
Psalm 60:1-3 says, "O God, You have rejected us, broken our defenses; You have been angry; oh, restore us.  You have made the land to quake; You have torn it open; repair its breaches, for it totters.  You have made Your people to see hard things; You have given us wine to drink that made us stagger."
David leaves no wondering about it.  The rough times his nation is going through...he acknowledges as from the Lord.  In fact, he goes as far to say that the Lord has initiated them--He is the One who has brought them about.
Now, I'm not saying that every single hard thing that comes across the path of our lives is straight from the hand of the Lord.  I truly believe there are instances, like with the story of Job, where powers far beyond us  cause things.  I also believe there are times (which these verses are probably an example of) when our hard times are part of our discipline and growth from the Lord as a need for us to be disciplined in light of disobedience.  And then, there are things that He puts before us to sanctify and beautify us.
But what I am saying is that in all those things, He is supreme.  He is sovereign.  He is above all, and completely in control.  Nothing comes before us that He does not know about and that He does not rule over.  And so, while He might not be the initial source, He is the ultimate One.
Allow me to share briefly from my own heart an example.  Yesterday I had a doctor's appointment to check on my baby girl, the very baby girl who could come any day now.  Besides the normal (and somewhat awkward) checking of my uterus and cervix to see how we were progressing, we also talked about the possibility of inducing.  When I left her office, I had scheduled an appointment for Wednesday of next week, as well as one for an induction on Thursday if she had not come on her due date.
Believe me, some of the reality of her coming has started to set in for me.  While I am beyond excited, and nothing can keep me from wanting her here more than anything in the world, I won't lie that it also scares me....only slightly :).  So, the thought that (in the words of my beautiful cousin) next week, my list of activities would probably include having a baby was somewhat intimidating.
I don't consider having a baby to be a tough time...not at all.  But, I do recognize that it's not going to be an easy one (not the labor, or the coming home with another person that has never been before...).  But what I take comfort in is that all things:  good, bad, precious, hard, painful, joyous, humbling, ironic, mournful, come from my Father.  As I recognize Him as the ultimate Source, I am able to cry out with David, "Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint.  Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I!"
May those words be yours today as well.

...sitting...

I don't sit well...at all.
I can't stand to not be doing, to be going, to be part of something.  It kills me to sit and just wait, to just bide my time.  In fact, if it wasn't for a ridiculous fetish with the Food Network and the Cooking Channel, I would never even turn on my TV because I feel guilty for sitting that long without getting something done.
Now, imagine a busy-body like me, on her 39th week of pregnancy (and yes, I say that with waaaay more pride than I should...but when your daughter is the absolutely precious Selah Rae Wilcox, you've got something to be proud of :), whose husband and good friend is officially flipping a house in a town over an hour away from home--there's not a whole lot I can do to help (except take pictures, which I have done faithfully...and then realized I had forgotten the darn cord to load them on my computer).  To be honest, I have no idea how my sister-in-law has put up with me for two days already...:)
Anyway, all of that makes for a major identity crisis.  You see, I've come to realize that I tie so much of who I am in what I am able to do.  If I'm busy and productive, I find self-worth.  If I get alot done, and do it well, I consider myself one amazing woman...a woman with a purpose and a meaning.  When I don't have anything to do, I'm completely at a loss...I feel worthless.
My guess is I'm not alone in that identity crisis.  I know far too people who can't sit still any better than I can...and I have a feeling at least half of them struggle with the same equation, that my work=my worth, and if I want to be worth something, I had better get busy.  But the thing is, that math doesn't add up.  That's not the way it works with the Lord.
As I read the last few words of Psalm 60 this morning, I was convicted.  Before I quote them, let me say that I know David is not writing them because he has the same identity problems I do.  But, I do think they show some very important lessons for me to learn:  the whole Psalm is David asking for the Lord's help against his nation's enemies.  He calls out to the Lord because he recognizes he has help in no other source:  "Oh grant us help against the foe, for vain is the salvation of man!  With God we shall do valiantly; it is He who will tread down our foes."  What hit me is that David gets it:  it has nothing to do with our work, and everything to do with the Lord.
It's the same with me:  my purpose and identity has nothing to do with me...in fact, I've messed up enough times to be able to say with David that vain is the salvation of man.  Even on my busiest, most productive day, I don't have enough within me to achieve worth and purpose on my own.  But in the Lord, because of who He is and NOT because of what I have done, I find all of that.  And all of a sudden, it's not about what I do...it's about who He is.  It's about the fact that, even in my complete and utter unworthiness, He has loved me, He has poured grace upon, and He has chosen me.
And when I realize the depths of such unconditional love, grace, and delight...all that comes from Him, it's not about what I can do.  Instead, every action, word, touch...everything, is a reflection of the absolute joy I find in knowing that nothing I do will make me worthy in His eyes, and still I have His love.
All of a sudden, sitting isn't quite as hard...:)

my soul waits...

I shared this a couple of days ago with a friend, and then found it to be incredibly helpful for myself.  I love the words of Psalm 62:
"For God alone my soul waits in silence; from Him comes my salvation.  He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken...For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from Him.  He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God.  Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour our your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us...One God has spoken; twice have I heard this:  that power belongs to God, and that to you, O Lord, belongs steadfast love..."

With all I am, I want these words to be mine, for them to describe me.  David says he waits upon the Lord: he trusts in Him, rests upon Him, and puts his expectation in Him.  Not only that, he says that he waits in silence:  without worry, distraction, or fear.  Sure, I'm quick to say I trust the Lord, that I'm resting in Him...but how much of my waiting is filled with fear...nervousness?  If I'm really trusting in the Lord, completely waiting upon Him as my rock and my hope, should I be anxious?  David says the Lord is his rock and fortress:  his hiding place, his refuge, his protection.  There is no hope in anything else:  not in money, status, relationship, performance, nothing but the Lord.  And what is the result of such steadfast waiting, such complete rest in Him??  David says, "I will not be shaken."

It's such a simple thing.  Rest in the Lord.  Choose to trust Him.  Discipline your soul, mind, and heart to completely wait upon Him alone, refusing to allow yourself to trust any other thing, refusing to allow yourself to entertain doubts, worries, fears.  Completely rest your life in His power and steadfast love, knowing that it is the source of life, victory, hope, and glory.  And in doing so, be able to say that you are not shaken.

I pray today that your soul knows what it means to wait.

doing good...

I love when my husband preaches.
It really is one of my favorite things.  While it does make me very proud to be his wife, I also learn so much from what he has to say.  It truly is a gift, one that I am very thankful for.  Yesterday was one of those days when I got to be thankful for the way the Lord speaks through him.
He was preaching out of Malachi, in chapter 3.  The Lord cries out to the people, declaring that they have robbed and stolen from Him (later He tells them that it is because they have failed to give Him the appropriate tithes and offerings).  Completely confused, they ask Him how they have robbed and stolen from Him.
Their question shows they don't get it.  What's convicting is how often I fail to get it too.  You see, they asked the Lord how they had robbed Him, because they didn't get that everything, every single thing they have, is His.  When I get that everything is His, it totally changes the way I view...well, everything.  Nothing is mine...it's all His.
I couldn't help but think of that this morning as I read in Galatians 6:  "So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith."  All of a sudden, doing good is not a chore, a task, or one of those things I "have" to do.  I want to do good, because I get that nothing is mine...it's all been given to me, from Him.  The house I live in is not mine:  that means it's not a chore for people to come there; the husband I love so much is not mine:  that means that I don't share him begrudgingly when the Lord calls me to; this precious baby girl inside of me is not mine:  she is the Lord's, and because of that, I can raise her in Him, to do His perfect work.
Simple thoughts, but convicting nonetheless.  May your day today be lived in the fullness that everything around you...is His.

a year in review

It's crazy to see all that a year can hold.  Today I celebrate my first year anniversary with my husband.  I know that I can say with absolute honesty that it has been so much more than either one of us had ever anticipated.  In some ways, so much has happened in the past year, and in others, we still have so far to go. One of the things that has been so beautiful is to think that a year ago, hearing myself say we have so far to go would have made me sad, almost like we had failed.  Today, saying that we still have so far to go brings me absolute joy.
Marriage is hard--gloriously and perfectly hard.  People tell you that whenever you first get married, but it doesn't sink in until about two or three months after the honeymoon.  At first, the fact that it was hard killed me--I never imagined that it would be like that (I know, incredibly naive on my part, right?? :)  Now, admitting it is hard brings me so much joy:  it's supposed to be hard...it's a good kind of hard.  Nothing in my life has brought such a wide range of emotions, taught me so many things, or sanctified me more.
My view of marriage was that God had designed it for the couple.  Sure, I got that they were supposed to love each other like Christ has loved us...but I had no idea what that means.  I don't claim to really know that a year later, but I can say with confidence that I am closer.  Every single day, mine and Kade's love for each other has shown me more and more what it really means to love as our precious Lord has loved us.  Just like my precious Savior, Kade chooses to love me, even though I am incredibly unworthy and undeserving of it.  In fact, far too often I deserve the very opposite of his love...usually I deserve his frustration or his judgment.  And yet that's not what he offers me.  And just like my Savior, I am called to extend unconditional love and grace to my husband...even when it is the last thing I want to do (or the last thing he deserves).
It sounds so simple...such a "duh" thing, right?  And yet, the very process of it is life changing, sustaining grace to both of us.  Each day, that process of choosing to love, to sacrifice, to forgive truly knocks off our rough edges (and there are many for both of us...:), and brings us closer and closer to the image of Christ.  All of a sudden it's not about us...it's about Him:  His image, His love, His grace, His glory and making it known both to each other and those around us.
And at first, it doesn't sound like a very exciting--and certainly not "romantic" thing--and that is where we are so wrong.  In the end, it is everything...all that matters.  What a precious gift from my Father, that I could know and appreciate His love and grace more, that I could make much of Him with my precious husband, and that I could get to be made more like Him, both for His glory, and my good.
And so to my God...I thank you for the past year...and I praise You for the work You are still completing in us...
And to my love...thank you for going through the process with me...being ever patient with how slowly I walk it at times.  I can honestly say that I love you (though still so imperfectly), that I am finally learning what that really means, and I rejoice with all I am that I get to spend the next 75 years (at least :) going through that very process with you...seeing Christ more and more vividly in you, even as you see Him in me.
Here's to love...real, deep, abiding love...the kind that makes it through the process...and is so worth waiting for.

for grandpa...

Good byes are never fun, or easy.  My family said good-bye to my Grandpa this past weekend.  It wasn't easy, but it wasn't all sad.  In fact, one of the things I loved so much about our time is that it was such a celebration of him.  There were so many stories that were shared, laughter at funny things he had said or done, and such joy over who he was.  Yeah, I cried...quite a bit in fact.  I don't like thinking that I won't see him again, get to hear his voice, or smell his mixture of Old Spice and tobacco.  But, our time this weekend just made me thankful for him.

Something else I was thankful for came during his funeral.  The pastor had shared several stories that were fond memories of him.  Then he shared some scriptures that my grandma, aunts, and dad had shared to provide comfort in a time that is not so comforting.  My favorite was from Romans 8:  "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.  For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death."  As I heard those words, I rejoiced that even at Grandpa's funeral, there could be a reminder of the work my God has done in and for me.  For those who are His, there is no condemnation:  instead, there is grace to cover sin, forgiveness to cover wrong, and hope for sanctification and change.  There is life and freedom, even though it is completely undeserved.

Yes, the weekend was sad.  And yes, I hate good-bye.  But I was reminded that, even in our sorrow, there is hope and joy.  I have been set free, made alive by my God.  I wouldn't have that reminder without you, Grandpa...and for that I thank you.