...sour grapes

I really probably could win the Worst Mom of the Year Award.  Today, was definitely one such day.  I know that my words are wringing wet with selfishness, but sometimes I am so scared to be a mom.  Parenting is a huge responsibility.  What if I don't know what it means when my baby cries?  What if I don't know how to take care of him or her?  What if I can't handle the responsibility?  What if I can't do this?  What if I can't do it well at all?
To be truthful, sometimes my fears get the best of me.  Sometimes, I'm so scared that I'd rather not try.  It's going to be hard at times.  It's going to mean change, lots of change.  It's going to take a lot out of me and of Kade.  And while I know that getting to be a mother and a parent is going to be such an amazing privilege and gift, there are moments where I'm so afraid, I would just rather not face it all.
Those were my thoughts anyway as I was trying to have my quiet time this morning.  Over and over my heart beat out that I just can't do this...I can't do it. 
Like I said, my words show my absolute selfishness.  In every way, they are all about me.  I finally began to read, begging the Lord to give me something, anything.  And He did, although it wasn't quite what I had expected.  I was reading in Isaiah 5, and the first two verses tell how the Lord planted a vineyard,   In these verses, the vineyard is Israel, His people.  They tell of how He so lovingly works on them, fertilizes them, clears away everything that will hinder growth.  He pours Himself into them, in the hopes that they will produce good, perfect fruit.
But they didn't.  Instead, they produced sour grapes, that are good for nothing.  If you read the chapters before, their "sourness"  is because of their desire to go their own way, to reject the leading of the Lord and the covenant He has made with them.  Instead, they chose the gods of other nations, their own desires.  In spite of all the Lord had done to grow them, they chose something.  And the result:  sour grapes.
It hit me as I was reading:  I don't want to be like Israel.  With all my heart, I believe the Lord brings things into our life that He uses to grow us, to continue to shape us to be more like Him, a fruit worthy of harvest.  I have no doubt that my perfect, precious baby is going to be one of the most beautiful, sanctifying things in my life.  And so, rather than rejecting the cultivation of the Lord for my own desires, I pray that I might allow Him to grow and to prune me into fruit worthy of Him.
And I rejoice even more that He would use my child for such a gift.  And in spite of the fears motherhood gives me, I will enter into it with absolute joy, completely humbled that He would grant me such a treasure.